Wildflower

25 has been a year of relationships: learning, growing, molding. I'm talking friendships, guys, family, God. You name it, I've learned something about it. I've cried. I've laughed. I've ended both things I wanted and things I knew were no longer right. I'm in the process of realizing that some relationships are not what they once were, and that some relationships are going to continue to evolve and be lifelong. 

Girlfriends

At the recommendation of my sister, I read a book called Nobody's Cuter Than You. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. Melanie Shankle uses her witty writing style to explain how our friendships, specifically our girlfriends, shape and mold us. Reading through it brought me joy, but it was also painful. 

I've moved. I was the one that chose to pack up several times and leave. I am the one that desires and craves diverse friendships, so I am filled with beautiful people in my life that live all around the world. However, that doesn't make for your typical friendships. It doesn't make for relationships where you can have a sleepover at your closest friend's house after a bad date or a crappy day at work.

If I'm not posting photos all over Instagram of my million and one closest friends, then I must by society's standards not have friends. My sister and I talked about this a bit since she is also in a similar situation. You know what we were reminded? We have each other! With 2,000 plus miles between us, I would rather have her friendship than a million others. I would rather have African stories that gave me one of my realest, truest friends living all the way in Nebraska than a mediocre year straight out of college. I would rather have a true sister in Christ in Dallas than surface level relationships in my backyard. I'm learning that my life is not like the average 25 year old's life, and I'm starting to think that's pretty great.

The C Word 

Commitment. When did I gain such a fear of commitment? Also, when did dating get so ridiculous?

I blogged last year about dating, specifically online dating. After months of bashing it, I decided to give it a try. Guys, it's still not for me. I had many men message me that clearly did not even read my profile. I had one guy that had such great potential, but in the long run just wasn't someone I could potentially commit (there's that word again) even a piece of my heart to. 

As much as I think I am ready for a relationship, if I'm honest, I'm kind of not. I am afraid of committing to the wrong man. I'm afraid that my expectations are too high. I'm afraid that any Christian man I date I will be forced to marry. 

The enemy has lied to me. 

He has used my previous heartbreaks to wreak havoc on my heart. 

He keeps showing me my sin when Jesus keeps offering me His grace. 

But here's the bigger thing...I've allowed him to. I've given the enemy permission to belittle me. I've kept a door cracked open that should be closed and locked only for the Savior. I've allowed relationships that were over to creep back into my heart and hurt me again. 

This is where those girlfriends that know my heart and my soul, but live so far away, come into play. They speak truth and love to me through words like:

• "You're never stuck (until marriage that is), and that's not a bad thing to learn how to love and accept people, with all their baggage. But it doesn't mean you have to yoke yourself to them."

Isn't that so true? I'm not committed to anyone before I'm married to them. Don't take that the wrong way. That doesn't mean I'm dating multiple men at one time. It does however give me permission to leave when things don't feel like God is there with us.

OR...

• ...when you drop a bomb, and your girlfriend responds exactly the way you NEED her to with "wuuuut." Followed up with "GIRLS' WEEKEND...one day you'll meet who you're meant to." And you spend the rest of the day dreaming about traveling the world with your dearest gypsy sister. 

Because doesn't planning a trip cure everyone's weary soul? And how great that she knows my heart well enough to know what my first love is?

I'm 25. I'm single. My closest friends live hundreds of miles away. And to so many, my life is so different. The beauty though...it is different, but it's also not!

Namibian Success and Plans for Central America

As an educator, I received more than just some exciting news this week. I received news that will change the lives of individuals, expectations of future village learners, and potentially the future of families and a country. 

As some of you may remember me mentioning in my posts and Instagram photos about the Namibian school system, grade 10 is no joke. When exams roll around, students camp in tents for days as they prepare for the paperwork that will determine their futures. For many, failing these tests is not an option. Once you hit a certain age, repeating the grade is not a possibility. In fact, students then have to take an alternative route to prove they have what it takes to receive passing marks as a tenth grader. 

Just this past week, my students from Odibo received their tests scores. Thanks to whatsapp, I am able to continuously communicate with one student who has become more like a brother. He passed! Following that message, I received an additional text from a coworker letting me know that 71% of the tenth graders at Odibo Combined School would be going on to the eleventh grade! My heart rejoiced for these learners. I know how difficult these exams can be for them. I know the adversities they face each day. I know the words that make them feel less than good enough. Yes, my heart rejoiced. 

News like this reminds me why I am called to serve God through the education spectrum and mission work with younger generations. The two go beautifully together and offer an endless list of ways to bring glory to God and teach others about the grace we receive each day through Christ's love on the cross. When I made the big job switch, I knew that I would in the future use the breaks to serve in some form of mission field, but I did not know when or how soon. 

El Salvador came to me at a community group meeting a few months back. My church, Bayou City Fellowship, had recently posted their global outreach opportunities for the upcoming year, and I knew instantly that my time would be best spent using my Spring Break in a different country. From there, I applied and was placed on an outreach team that will go and serve the people near San Salvador, El Salvador. 

Myself and about twelve others will team up with Compassion International and serve alongside our sister church and additional churches within the community for a week. This will be a time of loving on one another through VBS and various outreach opportunities. In addition, some volunteers will get to visit with the children that they sponsor through Compassion. How truly special is that? I can't even imagine the excitement that both the sponsors and the children being sponsored feel on that day. 

As these upcoming months approach quickly, each individual is expected to raise $2,600. So far, I have already been blessed with prayers and donations, but still need more to meet my goal. I ask that you prayerfully consider helping to benefit this mission, these children, and my team. This can be done through prayer, contributions directly to me, or tax deductible donations via Bayou City Fellowship. On top of that, I ask that you come with me and be a part of this journey through blogs that I will post leading up to our departure and also during/after my trip.

To give:

https://bayoucityfellowship.com/global-outreach-team-give/

Simply to Speak

Hallelujah
Name above all

Simply to speak Your name is praise

Hallelujah

Now and always

Forever we lift Your name in praise

Hallelujah

Our God, You reign

Simply to speak Your name is praise

.......

Your name is higher than the rising sun

September Social Media Sabbatical

For a while I've been contemplating taking a sabbatical from social media. I've expressed several of the concerns I have with our excessive use of these apps, and lately, my heart has been heavy with comparison, which is something that I do not want to get sucked in to. It's easy to do though when everyone is pouring so much out for his or her 600 plus closest friends to see. 

A few months back, I sat in a room where I was technically required to be active on social media and it killed me to watch how the event unfolded. For starters, I don't like to be overly active on these sites. I share when I feel compelled to share, but I don't post every thought, photo, and article I come across...maybe because I do this instead. While at this work event, I watched coworkers of mine all face down on their devices tweeting, instagramming, and checking Facebook while the rest of the congregation mingled and spoke to one another about life and work and actually shared with one another. That was a pivotal moment for me when I realized that maybe I didn't belong at said event. 

In May, I read a blog entry from one of my favorite bloggers. She expressed that our use of social media is becoming an addiction. We check it at red lights, pull it out when someone leaves the table, and worse, can't get off of it when we're face-to-face with real friends. I don't know about you, but I don't want that to be how my generation is defined. I want us to be remembered for greater things. I want us to be invested in one another, share with those closest with us, have time to pursue other interests, and be consumed with more important causes. 

So this is my goal for the month of September…to take a sabbatical from social media. Let's call it the September social media sabbatical. I challenge you to join me if you feel overly consumed with the devices and also unsure why you find yourself turning to Facebook more than calling up a friend. I challenge you to join me on this if you'd rather read a book or take a class than to read about the things others are doing. These are all things I plan to do. I plan to pursue my friends better, read more books, write, be more active in my personal relationship with Christ, and pick-up/finish some stuff that I've been putting off. 

Statistics say that Americans age 18-34 spend 3.8 hours a day on social media. Think about what you could do with that time. 

Awake

Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me

Come wake me from my sleep

Blow through the caverns of my soul

Pour in me to overflow,

to overflow

-Jeremy Riddle-

Old Maid

I'm twenty-four and single. Around three fourths of my friends are in some kind of committed relationship, whether that be dating, engaged, or married. Do you know what I've learned being twenty-four and single? Other people do not want you to be twenty-four and single. Women, men, older, younger, same age, no matter what, others are trying to change this status for me. In the past few months, I can't count how many times I have experienced one of two things:

1. "I should totally set you up with ###"
2. "Have you thought about using Match.com or eHarmony?"

Now, I'm not opposed to being in a relationship, in fact I'd be completely content if some man came along and stole my heart, but I'm also not in any huge rush. I've had my fair share of heartbreak, and I truly believe that timing is everything, so there's no need to speed this whole thing along. I did not realize however that twenty-four was the age people started to worry about your marital status. Is that really where we are now? Twenty-four year old female, single and you're practically an old maid? I like to believe that's not the case, but if I'm honest, I'm feeling a little bit of pressure to start a relationship, which I know is never a smart route to take.

If you are one of those people who has been blessed with a relationship, I'm beyond happy for you. That's really not an understatement at all, if I feel that it is a healthy, mature relationship. I love to share in on these moments, go through the typical girl talk, and hear about the reasons you love ###. 

Here is what I do ask others to consider though: unless you are really going to make the effort to set up your said single friend with said cute guy/girl that you believe is a great match, the comment really does not need to be made. In these past few months, not one person has followed through on comment #1. In fact, it usually (one friend has been the exception) does not go past that initial comment. 

My second request would be that you ease into the online dating topic with caution. I have many friends who have married men they met online, so I do not see it as a bad way of going, but I spoke with one of these friends recently and she told me that she felt she got lucky in the situation. It was completely a God thing, but if that factor was missing, it would not have been for her. I've looked into these websites, but as I said, I'm in no rush to push God's timing. As I started looking through the websites, they were so much work, and let's face it, I was in no hurry to answer/rate my own personality. If you know me, I'm way too hard on myself as it is. I also don't feel like I'm at that point right now. I believe in old-fashioned love. The kind that starts in the grocery store, at a football game, or at dinner with life-long friends.

Changing Paths

When I first moved home and began looking for a job, I had a list of various job titles and companies I was interested in pursuing. Amongst that list, I classified a handful of the positions as "cool" jobs. You know, the career or position that makes others stop and think "wow, that sounds fun" or "I wish I had a job like that." I was blessed to receive said "cool" job on the three-month mark of my return stateside. Throughout these past 3.5 months, I made friends, learned more about the corporate world, and became a published writer. It's been a good experience, one I'm thankful for for many reasons, but one in particular.

I decided when coming home that I was not going to pursue a career in education just yet. For starters, I'm not certified to teach in Texas or America, so my TEFL certification would not go very far. I did see myself taking this path some time in the distant future, potentially after an established career, but I believed at the time, it was best for me to use my degree. To be completely honest, my pride and arrogance got the best of me, and I didn't feel being a teacher would make my life interesting anymore.

Throughout my days at said "cool" job, I felt a happiness disappear from within that I can best describe as a light turning off. Something was missing, I was not fulfilled, I felt like somewhere I made a mistake, and I was confused. Wasn't my "cool" job supposed to make me feel alive?

For the first time in my life, I was not around the education system. Through college, I mentored/tutored, then I went to teach preschool, and afterwards, I set off to Namibia. When 2014 started, there was no more school in my life, no students, no classrooms, and no back-to-school supplies. I never realized how driven I was by education or the beauty of having the opportunity to attend some life altering schools, but Namibia really opened my eyes to that.

At the end of June, I said goodbye to my "cool" job, or I at least put in my notice. The company I work for has been so great about letting me continue to work part-time until the end of July and potentially freelance for them in the future. I did say goodbye to my "cool" job though and decided it was time to follow the path that felt right.

I am currently enrolled in an alternative certification program for teachers, I have been hired as a paraprofessional at a local elementary school for the fall, and sooner than later, I will have a classroom of my own. Although this path has been overwhelming, scary, and a little breaking, I truly believe it led me to a new path that will open doors for me, keep me fulfilled, and provide me the time to pursue various mission opportunities both locally and back in Africa.

Moving to the middle of nowhere Namibia, Africa was the easiest decision I ever made, and this current one has been one of the hardest, but regardless, I'm excited for fall, for the future, for pencils, and tiny backpacks roaming the halls around me.

The Human Body

The human body is a crazy, miraculous, and sometimes very dark fortress. A rib cage can heal without much, if any, assistance. A person's heart can have a hole without the human knowing for years. Cancer can grow inside different cells in the body of a physically fit and health conscious individual.

One of my grandmother's dearest friends has been battling cancer for the past few years. She's proven doctors wrong over and over again, and recently, she did so again. I am an awe of her strength, her perspective, and the acceptance she has developed with this disease. She refuses to be defined by what so many become consumed with. Instead, she focuses on her sweet husband, her children, her friends, and her housework.

Helga, a German who moved to the USA for love, embodies that quintessential stubborn, passionate, determined German stereotype, which has proven to be useful throughout her chemo treatments. A few weeks ago though, she was hospitalized again and her friends and family gathered for support and endless prayers. As a Catholic, the priest came to read Helga her last rights, which she whole-heartedly accepted. As much as she could be, she was ready to return to her eternal home; she was ready to be at peace. Her hospitalization came as a slight shock since she had been doing fairly well. However, it was not completely unexpected since this fight has continued for years and she quit chemo some time back. Those dearest stayed by her side for several days.

As one day would have it, Helga, with the miraculous works of God, proved doctors and those around her wrong again. She refused to eat hospital food and insisted the nurse bring her a hamburger and fries. A woman who could barely consume liquids a few days before was now demanding a burger. A woman after my own heart!

Each day passed, and Helga continued to see improvements. All of the problems she was facing disappeared, and she was sent back home. When I returned home from work one evening, my mom shared this happy news with me and as I began to choke up, my mom explained that Helga was already back home ironing clothes and entertaining the neighborhood.

The body is marvelous. Helga is a woman of undying faith. Our God is big. All together they are an unbeatable team.

Living in the Present

Would you ever go completely off the grid? Delete all these accounts that supposedly keep us linked to others, but really make us a generation of insecurities? Would you ever pack up your bags to live a life that is full? Full of uncertainties, change, and pure faith? 

I tend to think I would do all of this or I at least think I could, but in actuality I don't know that I'd ever get past the thinking process. I want to though, and I've come to think that that's ultimately the first step. I want to go on a fast from Facebook and even Instagram. I want to live a life that is full of laughter and positivity.

Although there are outer forces that are keeping me from doing all that I first mentioned, I am realizing that I can do the latter and that I am the number one factor holding myself back. I've set my goals so high and I have such extreme ambitions for myself, longing for what is to come, that I fail to stop and say thanks for the present day. I fail to seek out the positive around me. 

During my time in Namibia I was eager to return home and see friends and family, but I found that I could truly stop and stand in awe of the blessings surrounding me. Was it the simplicity of daily life? Was it the lack of all of this "social" media? Was it more time with my own thoughts or the time to analyze God's plans?

I don't really have a solution or even a tiny answer that clarifies life for me at this point in time. I do know that I'm not alone though, and I am certain of one thing...I'm tired of living for tomorrow when there's today, a day filled with God's grace, a sunrise and a sunset, and music that speaks to the soul.

In the words of Maya Angelou, "I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life...I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."

I don't think I'll be able to accomplish all of this in one day, let's face it, I'm a broken individual, put back together daily by the grace of God. I do think that through prayer and support, the peace I found in my soul in a small village just 5km from the Angolan border can return.

Because I’m happy

I've been reflecting on happiness a lot lately and what it truly means to my life. How does it make me feel? How does it affect my day, my personality, my other ambitions? These are just a few of the questions that keep going through my head.  I think about a moment I can clearly remember feeling true happiness that filled my whole body and soul. This memory is not one I have to ponder over for long because I'm quickly taken back to my trip to Zimbabwe/Zambia, which I briefly wrote about here. To truly put this experience into words is near impossible because the beauty of it can't actually be expressed; it can only be felt by the soul. I wish all of you could feel that, so that you could grasp why I never want to stop talking about my year away. Why I refuse to let it become something of my past. Why deleting saved photos of elephants, children, and the savannas off of my phone is a dreadful thought. 

Through my reflections, I started to decipher why this trip trumped so many other life events, and I have come to believe that these four days are the closest I have ever been to the person God designed me to be. Free. Complete. Gracious. Spontaneous. Loving. Just writing that my heart skips a beat, making me long for a walk to the market in Zim to speak with the locals about life and southern Africa. 

When I traveled to Zimbabwe with Emily and Mallory, I was given the opportunity to see life from another different perspective. I was able to be who I wanted to be without the world around me already determining that based on their assumptions. I was free to truly exude the real portrait of me. Quirky and a little awkward. I was complete through the love I felt by others and the love I willingly wanted to share.

I'm longing for that pure bliss that came with walking from one country to another. I'm dreaming of the next day I feel that alive.  I'm wondering how to make it a part of my everyday life.  But then I think that maybe it's not a part of every day life, but rather a glimpse of the majestic home that we truly belong to, and I think of that as what I'm working towards.  I'm constantly working towards feeling more free, complete, gracious, spontaneous, and loving, because it means I'm that much closer to my Father.  I'm that much more aware of the beauty of grace.

Dear High School Me

This weekend I had the opportunity to go through a bunch of boxes that were packed up during the move.  I guess I have always been a person who writes out my emotions, because what do you know, I discovered all kinds of writing samples of mine from middle school and high school.  Sadly, I’m embarrassed to say that 95% of them were regarding some boy who “broke my heart” or was “confusing me.”  If I dated you from the ages of 13 to 17, there’s probably some journal full of scribbles about you and our relationship.  If not that, there was probably a stack of letters from my girlfriends giving me suggestions on what to do.  They were humorous, but just a little bit sad and desperate, which got me thinking. 

What would I have told my high school self in these situations?

First, pull yourself together.  Yes, break-ups are painful and they always will be, but any boy who is going to hurt you that badly probably isn’t a boy you want to be with for a long time.  Any boy who is confusing you enough for you to fill pages and pages with your emotions probably does not care about you to the same extent, so you should reconsider why you are making such a big deal about him.

On top of that, the future you is going to realize that none of these boys were really quite what you were looking for.  They may have filled your high school days with laughter and fun, but the woman you will turn out to be is going to be looking for much bigger things in a relationship.  You will be seeking more unique qualities.  

A God-loving man. A man who will not run in trying times. An adventure junky. A man moved by missions. A man who has a heart for orphans. A man who enjoys snuggling up with a good book. A man who loves animals. A man who truly accepts your family and wants to be a part of it.

You will one day move beyond the cute athlete and the musician, although those things will still make you swoon from time to time.  

If high school Taylor was to come to me crying and asking for help today, I would stop her and ask her if she has taken it to the Lord.  Have you prayed about the situation?  And not to bring said boy back, but for clarity and acceptance?  Afterwards, I would suggest that she not only pray for this new ex-boyfriend's future relationships, but for her own.  I would tell her to fervently pray for her future husband and his walk with the Lord.  Pray for the man that has already been set aside for you, the man that God knows will be the one to complete you.  There's something beautiful about the thought of marrying a man you were praying for before even meeting him.

Lastly, I would tell high school Taylor that in the future she probably won't date for years because there are other things in life that are weighted more heavily at that stage in her life.  She will be distracted by ruins in exotic locations, languages, children in Africa, and airports.  Because of that, I'd probably tell her to grab a notebook and head to Barnes and Noble.  Go to the travel section and go crazy!  Choose a location, learn as much as possible about the culture: food, traditions, clothing, top sites.  Then, save up that money and go!  Grab your girlfriends, your sister, or your mom, and explore another culture.

Live.  Don't let some boy keep you from truly living.

Passion Vs. Money

I've been doing a lot of job searching in the past month, looking for a position that I am both qualified for and passionate about. A lot of thought has been put into what I essentially want to do, but said job isn't found easily because it's a small niche. 

I recently went to a job recruiter in order to get some guidance and a little extra help getting my name out there since I find it awkward to promote myself to others when I meet them. During our meet up, she asked me an important question...

What would be your ideal job?

I've put a lot of thought into this and I have discussed it with my parents and a few select, dear friends, so I had a fitting answer. As I drove home though, I realized that although my answer was true to me, it didn't really embody what I deeply want to do. I want to love those (that feel) less loved. Obviously I realize that this isn't a true career, but that is what I feel called to do in life. I feel called to be active in communities that others turn a blind eye to or have written off due to financial predicaments, addictions they face, the language they speak, etc. I feel most me when I am serving in such an arena. I feel most comfortable when I can put focus on others and their special traits. 

Knowing this about myself, I continuously keep finding myself asking the same few questions. How do I combine this knowledge in order to start my career? Does a career need to be something I'm passionate about or is that what hobbies are for? Why do companies that speak so deeply into my soul not financially have enough money to hire employees? Why can't I just start my own non-profit and travel the world while loving precious people?

All of those questions tend to come back unanswered, requiring me to put all of my faith into God's timing and God's planning. I thought after a year of being completely out of my element that would be easier, but it hasn't been. With everyone else talking about their current jobs and all of what that entails, I find myself sometimes, keyword sometimes, being not very relatable to others. Im currently unemployed and the job I had was so unique, that many people can't fully fathom what I was doing. That, or I've found some people just don't care to ask. 

So what's the key to getting a job? Many people keep saying to take what you're offered and pay your dues. In many ways I agree and have spoken similar words to friends, but what I'm finding is that it is easier said than done. What if I want to pay my dues while working towards something I'm incredibly passionate about? What if I don't allow myself to be dictated by money and go after what I truly love? Ah, but there's the problem, right? Money... I need to financially be able to support myself, a lifestyle I'm comfortable with, and any unforeseen dilemmas that could potentially arise. 

Wouldn't it be peaceful if we weren't ruled by such worldly factors?

Twenty-Four

I'm twenty-four now. When and how did that happen? I swear that some mornings I wake up and still feel like that twelve-year-old girl with braces, breakouts, and awkwardness. Maybe it's because I still face two of the three from time to time. Do other people feel that way though? Do y'all wake up feeling your age and mature enough for all of the responsibilities that it entails? Or do you wake up some days and say how have I been on Earth for this many years already? 

Another question for all of you readers out there. Do you ever feel different on your birthday? People always ask that question I feel like. For me, it feels like every other day, but with more attention from people I don't hear from quite as often. I have friends that celebrate the whole month of their birthday, so I always wonder how it differs from person to person. I'm not a huge birthday person. We didn't grow up with big, elaborate parties, which for me is completely fine. I'm not really a big, elaborate person.  I like the thought of having a special day and of course the cake, but I'm much more passionate about others' special days. I enjoy buying gifts and doing creative, unique things to make others feel special. 

With that said, I spent my day doing everyday things. I had the opportunity to observe some English classes at my old high school, which was entertaining because American students are so different from Namibian ones. I sort of forgot that. I also spent time working on a speech because I was asked to speak to 300-400 high school students during their chapel service next week. I'm basically sharing my Namibian story with them and how God played such a big role in that. Here's to hoping I don't do something stupid on stage, but at least if I do, they will go home with an interesting tale to share. Lastly for my birthday, there were cupcakes. Gluten free, dairy free, grain free heaven. I even went crazy and broke my caffeine allergy so that they could be chocolate. Look out world, this girl is a wild one in her 24th year!

The dreaded search

Before I start this blog, let me first say that I would not take this past year away for anything. Being in Namibia for the year molded me, strengthened me, and taught me more about life. 

The job search however, is brutal. Talk about punch you in the stomach, take away your confidence brutal. Myself, and I know other volunteers, have spent countless hours looking through job openings, writing cover letters, and updating our resumes, but at the end of the day, according to the corporate world, I'm technically "under qualified" for anything. I don't have two to three years of experience and unless you count my internships, I honestly don't even have one year of experience (internships should always be counted...just saying). Instead of throwing myself into the 8-5 job atmosphere of gaining professional experience right after college, I chose to teach in southern Africa where I could gain life experience: working with people from different cultures, figuring out a system I knew nothing about, and managing 90 individuals who barely understood me when I first walked in their classroom door. Sadly, this exposure so far has not helped me to land a "gig." Although I've gotten a lot of positive feedback about my year and several "oh my goshes," there are things you cannot put on your résumé to persuade future employers that you learn quickly and have experienced and grown far more in that year abroad than you personally would have if you stayed stateside. Here's a list of some of those things:

1. I am a bucket bath pro. Cold water or hot water, I can show you the proper technique to feeling clean after just using a bucket of water.  Adaptable, or so I like to see it that way.

2. When needed, I can whip out Namlish, which is the changing of my voice, accent, and terminology, to make things clearer for non-English speaking students.  I have experience working with different cultures and different languages, that should seem marketable, especially in Houston.  Ability to work in a diverse team.

3. Spiders don't phase me. Big, small, if they're on the wall, they will most likely stay.  Fearless.  This could come in handy in an office space, right?

4. I'm a hitchhiking expert, which clearly makes me personable :) I spent most weekends catching rides with strangers who quickly became friends. 

5. I can make food, toiletries, and $400 USD last longer than the average American.  I'm talking a month plus.  Hello, resourceful.

I know the uniqueness and struggles of my past year are and can potentially be understood by the corporate world, but I do wish that it was easier to find an entry-level position at this age in time.  I'm not alone, I know.  Hundreds of thousands of people are searching for a job as I type up this blog.  It's just a little disheartening that I haven't had any bites yet.  I'm praying for guidance though and trusting that as right as my Namibian job felt, that my future career will feel the same.  I'm patiently, or trying to, waiting for someone to contact me and tell me they want to interview me, hire me, or guide me.

Being Single

Since returning home, I have found that marriage and dating are constant topics amongst me and my girlfriends, the cyber world, and even for outsiders enquiring about my life and the ever present "next step" question. While in Namibia, there really wasn't any pressure for me to date. Could I? Sure! People were always suggesting I find a Namibian man, but the pressure didn't even begin to compare to what American society is constantly throwing in the direction of the single lady. People in relationships are happier than those who are single, right? 

When I left Namibia, my principal wished me to go home, get married, and have lots of babies. I laughed. I've felt this for awhile, but as a Christian woman, it doesn't seem to be as easy as that these days. Although I do appreciate her sweet words and the African cheers that followed, I can't honestly say that many men of my generation are living up to the role that my friends and I are searching for. No offense men, this does not apply to all of you, and women are equally to be blamed.

In a world where social media ultimately seems to have the first and the last say, I think it should be clear that as women, we deserve to be pursued by a man who picks up a phone rather than using Facebook or a text message to contact us. Although both Facebook and texting can be acceptable sources of communication, they should not over power the relationship. Vocal communication will be one of the keys to starting a strong relationship and keeping a relationship alive. I can say that because I'm surrounded by beautiful relationships where vocal communication is so prominent. I understand that in today's society, we are so dependent on these gadgets, whether we are using them to keep in touch, network, or to "creep" (we all do it), but ultimately we are losing so much in our actual relationships from them. I believe in the long run, a relationship will be stronger if those things are cutdown on. So girls, wait for the boy who calls you. Or talks to you at the gym. Or walks up to you after church. Wait for the boy who doesn't hide behind the screen of a gadget. 

In addition, I think it's fair to say that every girl should feel like the number one woman when she is being pursued by a man, I don't care how much of a Momma's boy he is. I believe that truly being pursued by a godly man will reflect Christ's actions in the bible. There would be no doubts, no questions, and no hesitations about the relationship. I don't think this means that our men need to know from day one that they will marry us, but I think it means there is an openness in the relationship. An honesty that allows every topic to be on the table for discussion. Where do you see this going? Are we spiritually, mentally, physically correct for one another? No girl should have to sit around and question the  motives of a boy. There really should be no need for us to sit through and decipher your actions. With that said, my first point helps with my second. Learning to communicate correctly will eliminate so many of these problems. Girls, wait for the man who makes you feel like number one. Wait for the guy who figures out your love language and addresses it. Boys, doing this does not mean that boy time, hunting, and football are going to disappear. 

Lastly, relationships are work. However, in my opinion, if they get to the point that it feels like an 8-5 job, it probably isn't the right relationship. You shouldn't settle for that.  Whether you are in the getting to know you phase, the dating phase, or the in a relationship phase, I don't believe a relationship should ever be what I would describe as exhausting. (I don't include marriage here because if this is the case, I believe it is your duty to honor your commitment to one another). We've all heard about the relationships, maybe you're one of them, that string on for years. They break up, they get back together, repeat. I read once that breaking up repeatedly practices for divorce and I'm a strong believer that this is true. The break ups, the "breaks," the I need a little space moments, they teach us to run from the actual problem. Ladies, don't settle for a man that strings you on. Wait for the one that never let's you go. Men, be just that. Be men. Be good enough, strong enough, brave enough to cut the ties that we may ask for, especially if you don't have it figured out what you want just yet. 

I realize that these points are so obvious and scream duhhh, but in today's society where everyone is getting engaged, married, or in a serious relationship, I see and I hear girls seeking out relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. It is to the point that they almost forget that they deserve something bigger. Something deeper.  I myself am included in this. However, we deserve more, which has led me to shed these words onto paper. To serve as a reminder mainly to myself, but also to the sweet ladies in my life that they are fierce, strong, beautiful, and compassionate, and that they deserve men that see and appreciate those traits too. 

The American Return

I've been wanting to sit down for awhile and put into words some of my return.  As of tomorrow, I will start my 10th day back in America.  In a lot of ways, it feels like I never left, but then when I look around me and witness all of the changes that have taken place, it is very apparent that I was gone for a LONG time.  Many of you may know this, but Texas is a booming state.  For the most part, the economy is still in decent/good shape.  With that said, Houston and Sugar Land are constantly continuing to develop.  I have returned home to new roads, new stores, new apartment complexes, etc.  It is such a drastic change that at one point I looked at my mom and asked, "where are we?!"  She was either entertained or a little concerned with my lack of directional skills.

Being back home has been great so far, but I won't sugarcoat this for y'all (why start now?), it is difficult.  When I'm at the house with my family I am at ease.  However, being with my blood family reminds me of the Namibian family (brothers/sister, learners, etc) that I left behind.  On most days I have this feeling that something is missing.  That I'm not totally complete at this moment.  I have the four most important people sitting next to me, but other important people are miles and miles away.  I can only attribute that feeling to my Namibian life that I left behind.

As for the difficulties that I have faced so far... HOLIDAY SEASON MADNESS!  The difficulties definitely started the minute I said goodbye to all of the other volunteers that I flew home with.  For starters, JFK is a madhouse during the Christmas season.  Coming from the village, heck even from Cape Town, I was NOT ready for that.  People were everywhere.  They were in a hurry.  They didn't want me to greet them and make small talk.  They were REALLY fancy.  I felt small, scared, and a little unsure about what was ahead.  Getting to Texas got some of that edge off, but there have been moments that I've questioned things happening around me.

During orientation, our Field Director shared a story about his first return back to the States.  He had visited the grocery store and was so overwhelmed with the orange juice selection that he walked right out.  I've definitely had similar moments, but for the most part I've just been following mom around like a lost, small child.  One day I ventured out with Amanda and Mark though, which is when I had my first overwhelming can't function moment.  We decided to go to Chick fil A.  Since leaving, Chick fil A has added the caloric information for all of their food.  When we entered the store, I was so taken back by this.  On top of that, I couldn't find what I needed.  As I approached the counter (Amanda and Mark had already ordered), I was baffled and spitting words randomly at everyone because I didn't know where my option was and on top of that, I had to order an extra drink for my mom.  To say I was a hot mess would be an understatement.  The boy behind the counter seemed concerned with my behavior.  Amanda had a "rub some dirt on it" kind of attitude happening.  Mom laughed her butt off when I told her the story later.

All in all, being home is going great!  I'm excited for all of the things ahead of me.  I'm thankful for such a rewarding year and for a family that allowed me to peace out for a year.

Many have asked about what is to come next... My response?  I wish I knew!  As of right now, I'm planning to take off at least a month to readjust, do some job searching, work on the resume, and acclimate back to American life.  If any of you blog readers out there know of any Communications positions that may be available, throw them my way.

It's December...

It’s officially December first, the first day of my last week in Odibo, and the first day of my last month in Namibia.  Ironically, the weather is a great representation of my current mood.  Since waking up, it has been raining off and on as the sun tries to peek through the dreary, overcast sky.  The sun sneaks a peek every so often, but quickly hides itself again for the raindrops to breakthrough.  In many ways, this is a perfect description of the emotions I am feeling about leaving.  In a matter of minutes, I can go from excited, to nervous, to upset, to anxious, to in tears.  There will be a glimpse of the joy of leaving, but in seconds, just like the rain, the sadness of saying goodbye returns.

For the most part, my bags are packed and ready to go.  Yes, I am on top of things, but that is mainly because I stayed in the village this last weekend.  Even with a lot of events taking place on Friday and Saturday, I was able to finalize these events, because let’s face it, there’s a lot you can get done in 48 hours when you are staying home.  Although I’m upset that I missed one last weekend with the other volunteers, I will see many of them one more time and I am glad that I took the time to stay home with the family. 

This weekend was a perfect end to my village life in Namibia.  On Friday, after finishing up at work, I took the boys into town to run a couple errands.  We also got photos printed, and since I knew they would want to do teenage boy things and not pal around with Ms. Mac, I left them at KFC with a chicken lunch and taxi fare to get home.  After taking care of my last minute needs, I walked to the market to catch a ride back to the village.  As much as the market has caused problems for me throughout these months, I secretly love it there.  The hustle and bustle, the boisterous laughs, the barbershops with men getting their hair done, the fat cakes and kapana waiting to be bought.  It is a vibrant, colorful part of Oshikango that screams life.  It is a place where the people are silently declaring that they are using all that they know in order to fight for their place in society.  After returning from town, I found my sweet little boy (let’s call him Kay because his name is too difficult) and Vistorina and headed to a shop to buy cool drinks and sweets.  When we got back, I hung out with Kay and then did some relaxing and socializing for the rest of the night.

On Saturday, I woke with determination to have a day filled with Namibian activities.  Around 9, some learners came over to greet me.  They had a meeting at the school and were waiting for the teacher to arrive.  A couple hours later, the same students and a couple others returned to watch Pitch Perfect and hangout with Ms. Mac for one last Saturday.  We had a movie, sweets, cool drinks, and dancing.  My heart was full watching these girls open up, laugh throughout the movie, and get excited about songs they liked.  Nathanael and Henry did some DJing for them, which got those Namibian dance moves I love so much to come out in full force.  Later in the afternoon, I headed to town to meet up with another American that moved to Namibia a couple weeks ago.  Finding out about him is a crazy side story that I may quickly write down at some point this week.  The night ended with my sweet Kay sharing dinner with me and playing with a random tire outside the house.  There were also many bugs, but what else is new.  Like many nights these past couple weeks though, the power went out due to the rain and I enjoyed another sweaty sleep. 

For this week, I am preparing myself to be emotional, but also a little distant.  I am like my mother in that sense.  I want to feel all of the ups and downs deeply, but I know myself and know that in some ways I should pull away a little for my own sake.  Then on Friday, a coworker will drive me to Eenhana in order to meet Emily and wait for the ministry transport that awaits us on Saturday.

Stop. Breathe.

I can’t believe this year is actually coming to an end.  If I am honest with all of you, I am very scared to come home.  I’m scared to fit back into society and that I may become hostile to some of the things we do as Americans.  I’m scared that no other job will be nearly as rewarding as this year I spent being 23.

Leaving my heart behind

I begin writing this blog entry with what feels like giant hands squeezing on my heart.  In some ways, it is hard to breathe, and in other ways, I’m forcing a sense of numbness to take over my body because I cannot bear to think about reality.  I’m in such a state of confusion when it comes to life currently.  In ten days, I take my bags, put them in a foreign vehicle and say goodbye to my home, my babies, and my life for the last year.  Some days it feels like this adventure was forever long, but on other, most recent days, it seems as if the days flew by before my eyes.  Before coming, I never thought about the leaving process, and throughout the year when I did so, I did it with a happy heart because there are so many new adventures lying before me.  I still think of these days with fondness, but as I come nearer to my departure date, I can’t help but to wish I could stay.  I can’t help but to want to continue to love on these sweet children.  I can’t help but to feel like I’m leaving my home and safety net again to be led back in to uncertainty.

During term one, I never thought that I would make it through a whole year in Namibia, but I was determined to keep my promise to myself, WorldTeach, and more importantly God.  If you have followed my writings for a while, you know how trying term one was for me.  You know the darkness I faced.  The uncertainty I was presented with on a daily basis.  The doubt I had in myself.  Miraculously though, thanks to the grace of God, I was given a second chance for term two and three.  From the start, I knew that term two and three would still present some problems and trying times, but something about the atmosphere reminded me that I was safe.  That I made the right decision to move to Namibia, and more importantly to stay.  I knew that this village was going to rock my world.

With these ten days left, I have been taking a lot of time to reflect on the past year and to appreciate all of the beauty that is before my eyes.  This beauty is most frequently seen in my learners.  They love on me.  They accept me.  They make me happy.  They comfort me.  They understand me.  They ROCK my world!  At the end of the day, I don’t know how I got so lucky to be these learners’ English teacher.  Each one is a gift from God, giving me a total of 92 precious gifts this year.

Now the ultimate question though, is how do I leave them?  How do I say goodbye when I know for so many of them it is a permanent goodbye?  A goodbye that will not be followed up with a Facebook message, email, or meeting date.  For many of them I will just be a moment in the past, but for me they have shaped my whole future.  It is not possible for me to permanently stay in this country, but somehow I have no idea how to leave.

Zim and Zam

I feel like I seriously have NOT blogged in awhile.  Life here in Northern Namibia is getting crazy busy as we wind down our year.  Exams are in full swing for the final term, I’m trying to start thinking about the packing process, and I am marking papers like a mad woman.  I leave the village in less than two weeks!  When did that happen?  However, I’m taking a little break to catch all of y’all up on the shenanigans that went down the previous week.

As several of you know, I traveled to Zambia and Zimbabwe with two other volunteers.  Before I go into great detail, let me just say that this is one of the best trips I have ever taken!  It may have been because it was spontaneous.  It may have been the company.  It may have been because the locals in these two countries are some of the nicest people I have ever met.  It may have been because I did some pretty extreme, hardcore stuff while I was there. Or maybe, it was all of the above and even more.  Either way, all you need to know is that I highly recommend traveling to these parts of Africa.

For the adventures we encountered, let me break it down day-by-day for you:

Friday: This was the first day of exams, so we all left school a little early so that we could get to the south before it was too late.  We went in style and avoided combis like it was the plague.  Somehow, we managed to get two private hikes (hitch hiking) all the way to Windhoek.  I can’t say that they were the safest drivers, but they sure got us to the city quickly.  Plus, there was a little AirCon to make us smile.  After arriving in Windhoek, we checked in at the hostel and headed to dinner.  It was an early night because we had an early flight the next morning.

Saturday: AIRPORT!!!  I think this is the longest I have gone without flying since living in Saudi.  If you know me well, you know the airport is one of the places that I feel most alive.  I could go to one every day just to watch the people, guess the different nationalities, and daydream about possible adventures.  My soul is happy here.  Either way, we woke up around 4am to get to the airport.  We caught a flight from Windhoek to JoBurg, and then JoBurg to Livingstone.  We stayed in Zambia during this trip, so the first day we just explored the open markets around town.  I was able to buy some fabric for myself and a couple Christmas gifts for the family.  It was another early night (who am I kidding, every night was early…we are grannies) because we had to catch a bus to Zim early the next day.

Sunday: Emily and Mallory had plans to go to Botswana in the morning, and in order to get there we had to pass through Zimbabwe.  On this morning, we woke up early, caught a bus to the border, purchased our visas, and headed off to another country.  I decided not to go to Botswana in order to save money for South Africa, plus I went on a safari with my parents and I was able to see a lot of cats.  While the girls were gone, I went on a tour of the falls.  I could have easily done this by myself, but it was nice to get a little bit of the history, plus I was able to make some new friends.  While I waited for the girls, I explored the markets and shops.  I think I made more friends in Zim than I have a whole year in Namibia.  Talk about the NICEST PEOPLE EVER!  Before the day started, I was a little concerned about being alone for 7 hours, but in the end, it was so rewarding to spend one-on-one time with the locals.

Mallory and Emily got back to Zim around 3, and then Em and I headed out to ride ELEPHANTS!!  We went on a 45-minute trek through Zimbabwe on the back of an elephant.  Our guide, Tom, told us a lot of interesting things about elephants, especially Doma, the one we were riding.  Doma is a 40 year-old male who is waiting for his last molar to come in.  Apparently, when the 6^th and last molar has come in at the age of 45, the male elephant is finally mature and ready to reproduce.  Why are men always such late bloomers?!  Female elephants are ready to go at 12 or so.  Come on boys!  After the trek though, we got to snuggle with Doma and take precious pictures, which you can find via my Facebook and Instagram.  The night ended with an African dinner and a drive back to Zambia.

Monday: Dreaded MONDAY!  The Devil’s Pool.  If you have never heard of this or done any research, please go do so now so that you have an understanding of what I am about to say.  All you really need to do is go to Google, type in the name, and prepare to feel nauseous. 

Since it is dry season in Zambia right now, tourists are allowed to swim in the Devil’s Pool, which is basically a little section of water at the lip of Victoria Falls.  I’m talking lip. Like I can see down the fall lip.  Apparently, two years ago a guide died trying to save a tourist who was not an experienced swimmer, so I was feeling really safe… not!  The night before and the morning of, Emily and I were trying to do everything possible to back out of this adventure.  I thought I was going to VOM!  However, with the help of some people at home, my mom and friend, Andrew, I sucked it up and went.  Since I had not talked to my mom much during the trip, she didn’t know how badly I wanted to back out.  I woke that morning to a Facebook message about how I would be fine, safe, and have so much fun… Mom says it’s ok, it must be!  I also had a comment from Andrew asking if I had gone to Devil’s Pool.  I even responded no and that I wasn’t going because I was too afraid.  Afterwards though, I just kept thinking about these comments and realized I would regret it if I didn’t go…I went!  Let me tell you, I would have regretted it if I hadn’t gone.  It was amazing, scary, nauseating and rewarding all in one.  I don’t currently have enough time to go into great detail about this, so if you have questions, feel free to ask.

The rest of the afternoon, we lounged at a super fancy pool back in Zim.  We were told that we could not visit the pool because we weren’t guests, but working the puppy eyes and the volunteer card, we managed to convince a softie to let us in.  He told us that if anybody was to ask, we were on a sight inspection for Wilderness Safaris, an organization in Namibia. SCORE!  Pool time and buffet.  :) We were happy, happy, happy!  Our waiter’s name was even Simba.  Does it get much better than that?!  The night ended with us back in Zambia, packing for our flight home.

Tuesday & Wednesday: To sum up these two days quickly… 5 taxi rides. 2 airplanes. 1 combi. A LOT OF MILES TRAVELLED! A LOT OF SWEATING!

That’s the bulk of the trip though. It was awesome. It was beautiful. It was needed. It was good for the soul!

Below is a link to my Facebook photos: (hopefully this works)

PHOTOS