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Friday, January 3, 2014

Being Single

Since returning home, I have found that marriage and dating are constant topics amongst me and my girlfriends, the cyber world, and even for outsiders enquiring about my life and the ever present "next step" question. While in Namibia, there really wasn't any pressure for me to date. Could I? Sure! People were always suggesting I find a Namibian man, but the pressure didn't even begin to compare to what American society is constantly throwing in the direction of the single lady. People in relationships are happier than those who are single, right? 

When I left Namibia, my principal wished me to go home, get married, and have lots of babies. I laughed. I've felt this for awhile, but as a Christian woman, it doesn't seem to be as easy as that these days. Although I do appreciate her sweet words and the African cheers that followed, I can't honestly say that many men of my generation are living up to the role that my friends and I are searching for. No offense men, this does not apply to all of you, and women are equally to be blamed.

In a world where social media ultimately seems to have the first and the last say, I think it should be clear that as women, we deserve to be pursued by a man who picks up a phone rather than using Facebook or a text message to contact us. Although both Facebook and texting can be acceptable sources of communication, they should not over power the relationship. Vocal communication will be one of the keys to starting a strong relationship and keeping a relationship alive. I can say that because I'm surrounded by beautiful relationships where vocal communication is so prominent. I understand that in today's society, we are so dependent on these gadgets, whether we are using them to keep in touch, network, or to "creep" (we all do it), but ultimately we are losing so much in our actual relationships from them. I believe in the long run, a relationship will be stronger if those things are cutdown on. So girls, wait for the boy who calls you. Or talks to you at the gym. Or walks up to you after church. Wait for the boy who doesn't hide behind the screen of a gadget. 

In addition, I think it's fair to say that every girl should feel like the number one woman when she is being pursued by a man, I don't care how much of a Momma's boy he is. I believe that truly being pursued by a godly man will reflect Christ's actions in the bible. There would be no doubts, no questions, and no hesitations about the relationship. I don't think this means that our men need to know from day one that they will marry us, but I think it means there is an openness in the relationship. An honesty that allows every topic to be on the table for discussion. Where do you see this going? Are we spiritually, mentally, physically correct for one another? No girl should have to sit around and question the  motives of a boy. There really should be no need for us to sit through and decipher your actions. With that said, my first point helps with my second. Learning to communicate correctly will eliminate so many of these problems. Girls, wait for the man who makes you feel like number one. Wait for the guy who figures out your love language and addresses it. Boys, doing this does not mean that boy time, hunting, and football are going to disappear. 

Lastly, relationships are work. However, in my opinion, if they get to the point that it feels like an 8-5 job, it probably isn't the right relationship. You shouldn't settle for that.  Whether you are in the getting to know you phase, the dating phase, or the in a relationship phase, I don't believe a relationship should ever be what I would describe as exhausting. (I don't include marriage here because if this is the case, I believe it is your duty to honor your commitment to one another). We've all heard about the relationships, maybe you're one of them, that string on for years. They break up, they get back together, repeat. I read once that breaking up repeatedly practices for divorce and I'm a strong believer that this is true. The break ups, the "breaks," the I need a little space moments, they teach us to run from the actual problem. Ladies, don't settle for a man that strings you on. Wait for the one that never let's you go. Men, be just that. Be men. Be good enough, strong enough, brave enough to cut the ties that we may ask for, especially if you don't have it figured out what you want just yet. 

I realize that these points are so obvious and scream duhhh, but in today's society where everyone is getting engaged, married, or in a serious relationship, I see and I hear girls seeking out relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. It is to the point that they almost forget that they deserve something bigger. Something deeper.  I myself am included in this. However, we deserve more, which has led me to shed these words onto paper. To serve as a reminder mainly to myself, but also to the sweet ladies in my life that they are fierce, strong, beautiful, and compassionate, and that they deserve men that see and appreciate those traits too.