Leaving my heart behind

I begin writing this blog entry with what feels like giant hands squeezing on my heart.  In some ways, it is hard to breathe, and in other ways, I’m forcing a sense of numbness to take over my body because I cannot bear to think about reality.  I’m in such a state of confusion when it comes to life currently.  In ten days, I take my bags, put them in a foreign vehicle and say goodbye to my home, my babies, and my life for the last year.  Some days it feels like this adventure was forever long, but on other, most recent days, it seems as if the days flew by before my eyes.  Before coming, I never thought about the leaving process, and throughout the year when I did so, I did it with a happy heart because there are so many new adventures lying before me.  I still think of these days with fondness, but as I come nearer to my departure date, I can’t help but to wish I could stay.  I can’t help but to want to continue to love on these sweet children.  I can’t help but to feel like I’m leaving my home and safety net again to be led back in to uncertainty.

During term one, I never thought that I would make it through a whole year in Namibia, but I was determined to keep my promise to myself, WorldTeach, and more importantly God.  If you have followed my writings for a while, you know how trying term one was for me.  You know the darkness I faced.  The uncertainty I was presented with on a daily basis.  The doubt I had in myself.  Miraculously though, thanks to the grace of God, I was given a second chance for term two and three.  From the start, I knew that term two and three would still present some problems and trying times, but something about the atmosphere reminded me that I was safe.  That I made the right decision to move to Namibia, and more importantly to stay.  I knew that this village was going to rock my world.

With these ten days left, I have been taking a lot of time to reflect on the past year and to appreciate all of the beauty that is before my eyes.  This beauty is most frequently seen in my learners.  They love on me.  They accept me.  They make me happy.  They comfort me.  They understand me.  They ROCK my world!  At the end of the day, I don’t know how I got so lucky to be these learners’ English teacher.  Each one is a gift from God, giving me a total of 92 precious gifts this year.

Now the ultimate question though, is how do I leave them?  How do I say goodbye when I know for so many of them it is a permanent goodbye?  A goodbye that will not be followed up with a Facebook message, email, or meeting date.  For many of them I will just be a moment in the past, but for me they have shaped my whole future.  It is not possible for me to permanently stay in this country, but somehow I have no idea how to leave.

Zim and Zam

I feel like I seriously have NOT blogged in awhile.  Life here in Northern Namibia is getting crazy busy as we wind down our year.  Exams are in full swing for the final term, I’m trying to start thinking about the packing process, and I am marking papers like a mad woman.  I leave the village in less than two weeks!  When did that happen?  However, I’m taking a little break to catch all of y’all up on the shenanigans that went down the previous week.

As several of you know, I traveled to Zambia and Zimbabwe with two other volunteers.  Before I go into great detail, let me just say that this is one of the best trips I have ever taken!  It may have been because it was spontaneous.  It may have been the company.  It may have been because the locals in these two countries are some of the nicest people I have ever met.  It may have been because I did some pretty extreme, hardcore stuff while I was there. Or maybe, it was all of the above and even more.  Either way, all you need to know is that I highly recommend traveling to these parts of Africa.

For the adventures we encountered, let me break it down day-by-day for you:

Friday: This was the first day of exams, so we all left school a little early so that we could get to the south before it was too late.  We went in style and avoided combis like it was the plague.  Somehow, we managed to get two private hikes (hitch hiking) all the way to Windhoek.  I can’t say that they were the safest drivers, but they sure got us to the city quickly.  Plus, there was a little AirCon to make us smile.  After arriving in Windhoek, we checked in at the hostel and headed to dinner.  It was an early night because we had an early flight the next morning.

Saturday: AIRPORT!!!  I think this is the longest I have gone without flying since living in Saudi.  If you know me well, you know the airport is one of the places that I feel most alive.  I could go to one every day just to watch the people, guess the different nationalities, and daydream about possible adventures.  My soul is happy here.  Either way, we woke up around 4am to get to the airport.  We caught a flight from Windhoek to JoBurg, and then JoBurg to Livingstone.  We stayed in Zambia during this trip, so the first day we just explored the open markets around town.  I was able to buy some fabric for myself and a couple Christmas gifts for the family.  It was another early night (who am I kidding, every night was early…we are grannies) because we had to catch a bus to Zim early the next day.

Sunday: Emily and Mallory had plans to go to Botswana in the morning, and in order to get there we had to pass through Zimbabwe.  On this morning, we woke up early, caught a bus to the border, purchased our visas, and headed off to another country.  I decided not to go to Botswana in order to save money for South Africa, plus I went on a safari with my parents and I was able to see a lot of cats.  While the girls were gone, I went on a tour of the falls.  I could have easily done this by myself, but it was nice to get a little bit of the history, plus I was able to make some new friends.  While I waited for the girls, I explored the markets and shops.  I think I made more friends in Zim than I have a whole year in Namibia.  Talk about the NICEST PEOPLE EVER!  Before the day started, I was a little concerned about being alone for 7 hours, but in the end, it was so rewarding to spend one-on-one time with the locals.

Mallory and Emily got back to Zim around 3, and then Em and I headed out to ride ELEPHANTS!!  We went on a 45-minute trek through Zimbabwe on the back of an elephant.  Our guide, Tom, told us a lot of interesting things about elephants, especially Doma, the one we were riding.  Doma is a 40 year-old male who is waiting for his last molar to come in.  Apparently, when the 6^th and last molar has come in at the age of 45, the male elephant is finally mature and ready to reproduce.  Why are men always such late bloomers?!  Female elephants are ready to go at 12 or so.  Come on boys!  After the trek though, we got to snuggle with Doma and take precious pictures, which you can find via my Facebook and Instagram.  The night ended with an African dinner and a drive back to Zambia.

Monday: Dreaded MONDAY!  The Devil’s Pool.  If you have never heard of this or done any research, please go do so now so that you have an understanding of what I am about to say.  All you really need to do is go to Google, type in the name, and prepare to feel nauseous. 

Since it is dry season in Zambia right now, tourists are allowed to swim in the Devil’s Pool, which is basically a little section of water at the lip of Victoria Falls.  I’m talking lip. Like I can see down the fall lip.  Apparently, two years ago a guide died trying to save a tourist who was not an experienced swimmer, so I was feeling really safe… not!  The night before and the morning of, Emily and I were trying to do everything possible to back out of this adventure.  I thought I was going to VOM!  However, with the help of some people at home, my mom and friend, Andrew, I sucked it up and went.  Since I had not talked to my mom much during the trip, she didn’t know how badly I wanted to back out.  I woke that morning to a Facebook message about how I would be fine, safe, and have so much fun… Mom says it’s ok, it must be!  I also had a comment from Andrew asking if I had gone to Devil’s Pool.  I even responded no and that I wasn’t going because I was too afraid.  Afterwards though, I just kept thinking about these comments and realized I would regret it if I didn’t go…I went!  Let me tell you, I would have regretted it if I hadn’t gone.  It was amazing, scary, nauseating and rewarding all in one.  I don’t currently have enough time to go into great detail about this, so if you have questions, feel free to ask.

The rest of the afternoon, we lounged at a super fancy pool back in Zim.  We were told that we could not visit the pool because we weren’t guests, but working the puppy eyes and the volunteer card, we managed to convince a softie to let us in.  He told us that if anybody was to ask, we were on a sight inspection for Wilderness Safaris, an organization in Namibia. SCORE!  Pool time and buffet.  :) We were happy, happy, happy!  Our waiter’s name was even Simba.  Does it get much better than that?!  The night ended with us back in Zambia, packing for our flight home.

Tuesday & Wednesday: To sum up these two days quickly… 5 taxi rides. 2 airplanes. 1 combi. A LOT OF MILES TRAVELLED! A LOT OF SWEATING!

That’s the bulk of the trip though. It was awesome. It was beautiful. It was needed. It was good for the soul!

Below is a link to my Facebook photos: (hopefully this works)

PHOTOS

Trying times in the final stretch

These past couple weeks have been a struggle.  Like a big struggle.  Tug a war style where my mind, body, and emotions are going back and forth throughout the day.  I can pretty much pinpoint when each set of emotions will start.  In the mornings, I want to be at home in Texas in a nice bed.  By the time 1^st period starts, I’m in full swing with my learners and can’t imagine saying goodbye to them.  After school, I hit this wall of heat (literally), which leads to the intense part of my daily roller coaster ride.  After working out, I get excited about all of the things waiting for me at home.  I think this is because all of my US friends are waking up at this point and starting their days.  However, after I eat dinner, which is usually when my US friends start going to work, I panic.  This anxiety takes over my body, and I stupidly attempt to work on my resume, search jobs without wifi, and determine my future plans.  To say I’m overwhelmed would be an understatement.  I find my mind running in 50 different directions and occasionally, it is hard to breathe.  I’m going home to no job, no saved money, no boyfriend, and currently no style.  Basically, society will reject me.  They will swallow me up and spit me out.

I think with all of these emotions coursing through my body though, I am having a more difficult time truly being in Namibia.  It is difficult for me to be in the present, and I find myself getting annoyed by things more easily.  I am not able to brush off the actions around me as quickly, and rather, I find myself reaching for my suitcase.

I have had several situations present themselves in the last couple weeks that have made Namibia a little more difficult again and on top of that, I still wonder if I’ve taught these students anything, but this is not how I want my time in this country to end.  I don’t want to leave on a low point.  It is difficult enough that my last few weeks will consist of marking exams, so I really don’t want any other negative situations creeping into my day.

Basically, I’m writing all of this to ask for your prayers.  I ask that you would pray for me and my mental/emotional state these last four weeks, so that I can truly absorb all of the blessings that God has washed upon me.  I personally pray for patience during the workday, but more importantly, at the homestead.  I also pray that my students know how deeply I love them.

Returning To and Leaving Behind

As I start my eleventh month here in Namibia, I start to imagine all of the things that I will be going home to.  Things that I have not experienced in ELEVEN WHOLE MONTHS!  Thinks I crave.  Things I anxiously await.  Things I miss.  Here is a short list of what I am currently looking forward to in the next month.

1. Church
2. Driving anywhere/everywhere (unfortunately, I sold my car so this one will have to wait a bit longer)
3. The gym
4. Snuggly pups
5. Being anonymous
6. Being ignored by 75% of the male population
7. Chipotle
8. Having someone to turn to daily for deep conversation
9. Whole Foods
10. Almond EVERYTHING (nuts, flour, milk, ice cream)

With that list though of course comes a list of things I cannot believe that I will be leaving behind.  Things that I will miss greatly.  Things that my soul will long for in a deep way.  Things I may never experience again in my life.  Here is a short list of what I know for a fact that I will miss once I return home.

1. My beautiful ninth grade learners
2. The easiness/cheapness of seeing a country
3. This simplicity of life
4. Conversations with goats, cows, chickens (I confess, I daily speak with these animals either out loud or in my head.  No, I am not crazy)
5. Smiling, happy children who do not need to be entertained by electronics
6. Not being anonymous (bittersweet one)
7. Being blown away by the strength of these learners
8. Biltong (similar to beef jerky, but a million times more delicious)
9. Embe (a traditional berry)
10. BASKETS!