Leaving my heart behind

I begin writing this blog entry with what feels like giant hands squeezing on my heart.  In some ways, it is hard to breathe, and in other ways, I’m forcing a sense of numbness to take over my body because I cannot bear to think about reality.  I’m in such a state of confusion when it comes to life currently.  In ten days, I take my bags, put them in a foreign vehicle and say goodbye to my home, my babies, and my life for the last year.  Some days it feels like this adventure was forever long, but on other, most recent days, it seems as if the days flew by before my eyes.  Before coming, I never thought about the leaving process, and throughout the year when I did so, I did it with a happy heart because there are so many new adventures lying before me.  I still think of these days with fondness, but as I come nearer to my departure date, I can’t help but to wish I could stay.  I can’t help but to want to continue to love on these sweet children.  I can’t help but to feel like I’m leaving my home and safety net again to be led back in to uncertainty.

During term one, I never thought that I would make it through a whole year in Namibia, but I was determined to keep my promise to myself, WorldTeach, and more importantly God.  If you have followed my writings for a while, you know how trying term one was for me.  You know the darkness I faced.  The uncertainty I was presented with on a daily basis.  The doubt I had in myself.  Miraculously though, thanks to the grace of God, I was given a second chance for term two and three.  From the start, I knew that term two and three would still present some problems and trying times, but something about the atmosphere reminded me that I was safe.  That I made the right decision to move to Namibia, and more importantly to stay.  I knew that this village was going to rock my world.

With these ten days left, I have been taking a lot of time to reflect on the past year and to appreciate all of the beauty that is before my eyes.  This beauty is most frequently seen in my learners.  They love on me.  They accept me.  They make me happy.  They comfort me.  They understand me.  They ROCK my world!  At the end of the day, I don’t know how I got so lucky to be these learners’ English teacher.  Each one is a gift from God, giving me a total of 92 precious gifts this year.

Now the ultimate question though, is how do I leave them?  How do I say goodbye when I know for so many of them it is a permanent goodbye?  A goodbye that will not be followed up with a Facebook message, email, or meeting date.  For many of them I will just be a moment in the past, but for me they have shaped my whole future.  It is not possible for me to permanently stay in this country, but somehow I have no idea how to leave.