Soul Searching

Driving into Windhoek with the Avett brothers singing sweetly to me I can slowly feel the life coming back into my soul. All of the nonsense I have faced this term can finally be erased and I can let go of things that have failed. I can forgive the pain I was caused and I can hold my head high enough to move on, to realize that for more than one reason the decision I made was best for me. No longer will I be hurt and put down. No longer will I let one person's mean words and confused heart strip me down. This holiday marks a turn in the road. A big turn. One that will rock the boat, a boat that needs to be rocked. These 8 hours officially start a new chapter in my Namibian book and I can't wait to see how the pages unfold.

Godspeed

There's something about traveling that awakes the soul again. It is therapeutic. It reminds you why you made certain choices and again shows you the beauty that you are constantly surrounded by. Leaving is good. Leaving is challenging. But, it gives me time to breathe. It helps me to stop and appreciate every good and bad situation I have been presented with. It makes me excited for what is to come in the next 8 months.  There is just something about traveling and a suitcase that gives one a sense of freedom and that feeling like they can do anything in and with their lives. I live for that feeling. That strength. That independence. That gift from God that softly whispers into you "Godspeed, my child. Godspeed."

Refreshing Weekends are always GOOD!

I have received so many uplifting emails, Facebook messages, blog messages, etc. this past week, and I honestly am so thankful for the truthful words you have shared about faith and Jesus.  I am so thankful for every uplifting word that was directed my way, and I am thankful for every single person who has sympathized with my situation.  God has shown me continuously how blessed I am by the people back home, by strangers who have just run across my blog, and through the volunteers and their own families.  So many of you had profound messages to share, but I want to highlight one from Stephany Moore, a girl I met at the BSM during my time at UH.  We later went on to have Italian classes together, and she is a strong woman of God, who has also spent some time in Africa:

“I pray that you would seek Him and find Him, that comfort would come your way and that you would be refueled by His Holy Spirit! I feel like this is persecution. You are working in the name of Jesus Christ. Being a missionary is work 100% of the time, from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep, but how wonderful it is that you get to do it in the name of Christ, that you get to sacrifice your life to make his name known, to love people who may or may not understand the gravity of what you are doing! It is a blessing! you are blessed because you are persecuted. You are doing something wonderful and the enemy knows it and he will try to take it away from you. Don't let that be part of your decision making! Remember that you can't do this alone, but Christ is with you, He knows what you are going through and He is able to give you what you need to carry on with this beautiful work. Jesus knows first hand... he was grabbed all the time, He was persecuted, He was spat on, He was called names, He was crucified. He sacrificed HIS life for us. He often had to escape crowds and find a quiet place to go and pray, so He knows! He is with you, He loves you, and He will help you get through this. You are not alone, and you get to shine a light and stand up for Him!”

Profound stuff, right?  There was even more to the note, but it was more personal.

On top of that, I want to bring some uplifting words to the blogger world.  My God is so good, and I know that things will continue to change, challenge me, and improve.  There are some details that I do not feel comfortable sharing just yet, but please know, change is to come, and our heavenly Father is always on our side.  He ultimately wins in the end, which we need to remember.

Since I have received more uplifting news, I have been able to stop and take time to appreciate the things that I once enjoyed about this crazy country.  Here is a quick list:

• ·    I saw a cow exiting the church grounds.  I so wish I could have taken a picture of that.
• ·   As I was walking, I saw a Himba lady sitting on the ground.  There was a nice body print next to her, which clearly showed that she had a friend sitting next to her a little bit before.
• ·  I was walking past a boy and a girl, and I heard the boy say to his friend/girlfriend, “I like white persons.”

Namibian Men

To continue my week of somewhat depressing posts, I need to get this off of my chest.  I am so sick of being treated like a piece of meat, or less important than the male sex.  From people in town who holler at me like I am a dog, to some, particularly one male teacher, that makes me feel like I am nothing, I am sick of it.  I understand that not every country is as developed as America and I understand that equality is still developing in other countries, but this constant make Ms. Mac feel stupid and little is getting old.  I am tired of going into town and being hollered at.  I am tired of every man asking for my number.  NEWS FLASH...I do not know you, I do not want to date you, and I do not care if you think African men are better lovers...HOP OFF!  This has seriously gotten so out of control that I daily wear a ring on my ring finger and tell people that I am engaged/married/etc.  It works occasionally, but I have had people tell me that we can just cut it off.  Hmmmm....or NOT.  Can you get an idea of how important relationship commitments are here?

In reference to this particular male teacher, I am tired of him treating me like I am some child just because I am female and younger than him.  I am an intelligent WOMAN, that in my biased opinion deserves respect.  I came to this country to be taken seriously as an educator of English.  I came here to help these students to improve their English.  I came here to show Christ's love to the different nations.  I came here to SERVE.  But I feel like others, not all (some are genuinely kind and uplifting), see me as having come here to date the men in their country.  They think I came here to be their puppet.  They see me as their next mission to conquer.  Quite frankly, it hurts my feelings.

These little things are being taken into consideration as I make these very important upcoming decisions.  What I'm not sure that people understand though is that I never leave work.  I wake up, I'm at work.  I go to work, I'm obviously at work.  I go home, I am still at work.  I cannot escape my issues.  I cannot get away from the people that I feel are offending me and making me feel small.  I am 100% all of the time surrounded by the things that are making this journey so difficult.  My only time to relax and detox is on the weekends, which is why I am leaving my village so often to be with people who love on me and understand what I am going through.

Continue to pray for me as I make this very important decision.  I am so thankful for all of your uplifting words, prayers, and praise.  Thanks to them, I know that if I choose to come home, I will only need to worry about my own personal disappointment.  Pray with me that God gives me the wisdom that I need.  Pray hard!

Did I Make the Right Choice?

I would not describe myself as weak, ever. I have never quit anything in my life, but I am so very close to doing just that. I have been challenged by so much in the past. I have undergone brain surgery, been forced to give up more than half of the foods I eat regularly, and I have survived endless hours of twisting and turning my body in ways that physically should not be allowed. But this, this African life that I chose, this Namibian adventure that I was so sure that God called me to, I do not feel I can do anymore. I have been stripped down, I feel raw, and for once I feel severely weak, as if I made the wrong decision to move. I am upset and feel used more than I am enjoying my stay, and because of that, I am wondering if a whole year of living like this is worth it. It would be easy for me to pack my bags and head home after my parents' trip. I could say goodbye and go home to start a new chapter, but the problem is, it's never that easy to make the decision to actually go. As I said, I am awful at quitting things, but is my unhappiness here worth it? 

Overall, I am frustrated and irritated. I do not like that I never know what is going on. I do not enjoy people talking about me, but not realizing that my name is clearly translatable. I miss my privacy and the ability to have control of my life. And lastly, I wish people would have explained things to me from the very start instead of making me feel small and stupid this late in the game. I am unsure what to do, unsure where I should go from here. I am afraid to disappoint myself, the people back home, the people here, and most importantly God. 

Southern Pride

I am Southern through and through.  No, I have not always fessed up to this title, but rather referred to it merely as where I live and have lived most of my life.  Being gone for so long though, I now know how much my blood runs deep with Southern pride.  I am a Southern girl.  I use y’all more than most words, I expect Southern charm from my men, I secretly love me a cowboy in some tight jeans and boots, and I could go for Mexican food, crawfish, or ribs at any moment.  Although my nomadic tendencies will never go away and I will always have some place that I want to go, I can officially say that I would be 100% content settling down in a Southern state, starting a family, and being exceptionally pleased with a little country home.

This move, this year abroad, it has shown me continuously how good we have it in America.  It has proven to me over and over again that the things I once complained about were silly because now I have faced real, difficult challenges that continue to stretch me to limits I didn’t and still have a hard time believing are possible.  This country, although it frustrates me here, has already shown me how much I appreciate the simplicity of relaxing on a porch with a good book and possibly a margarita.

I am Southern.  I am from the beautiful south.

Africanisms

Africanisms 101 (may pertain just to Namibia):

My students, coworkers, and locals do some crazy things that honestly make no sense to me. They are odd to this American girl's culture, but some are sweet and endearing. Here's a list, feel free to ask additional questions for clarification. 

1. Paper eating. Everyone loves to eat paper. I'm talking take a whole sheet of paper, wad it up into a ball, and shove it in your mouth. 
2. There is this throat thing that everyone does. It basically sounds like a pig. I have been told by another volunteer that they do it when they are thirsty, but I'm not 100% sure. It is physically impossible for me to even do. 
3. Women are constantly told what to do. Now this one, this one makes me mad. I am a strong-minded woman. I don't take much crap from people, so when we are both sitting at a table and you tell me to get you something, that is not ok. In the words of Bon qui qui, I will CUT you!!!
4.  Beer bottles make for amazing seats. Namibians are all about sitting on the ground, on rocks, and even empty beer bottles. Turn that baby upside down with the neck facing the ground and you have a perfect little stool. 
5. All of my students start their letters with the same greeting..." I greet you in the name of Jesus." However, we are still struggling with great and greet, so most people great me in the name of Jesus. No matter what, it is sweet. 

Well that's all for now. There are so many more things, but these seemed the most entertaining. 

Exam...Examinations!

This was the second week of exams and I must say that I am exhausted. I am so ready for this month long break so that I can relax, rejuvenate and explore. Exams are a lot different here than they are from the USA, but I won't bore you will all of the random details. The most important thing is just that I still have to teach while they test. I'm probably the only one teaching, and some days I have just played educational games like Simon Says for listening practice and spelling bees. Time could definitely be better spent giving these students more than one exam a day though. 

As for the exam setup, you are not allowed to proctor your own exam, and instead, you monitor another teacher's. This is really great when you have Otjiherero or agriculture, which you know nothing about. 

Some of the good things that have come from exams though are seeing that some of my students are actually pretty smart when there is weighted importance. They do not seem to take regular tests seriously, but exams are a  different story. On top of that, a lot of my grade 8 boys always pray before testing. It is great to see this, especially as a person that pretty much prayed before every important exam throughout her college career. I'm not gonna lie though, the first time it took me by surprise and I thought my student was sleeping so I kept asking them to wake him up. They politely informed me, "Ms. He's praying." Melt my heart. It is so great that they understand the strength that our father can give us, which is something I so often need to be reminded of as I feel weak and out of control in this crazy country. 

P.S.  I have not finished all of my grade 8 grades yet, but as far as grade 5, only 6 students failed (below a 30), and for grade 7, only 5 did!  That's pretty good :)

Americanisms

I wrote a post last night in the heat of the moment.  As some of you know, I write best when good/bad things are happening.  However, in order to avoid always putting up my deepest, darkest struggles, I decided to change my post to be more upbeat and carefree.  You know, rainbows and butterflies, and all of those happy, smiley things :)  So here ya go peeps:

There are many things I'm currently missing back home.  They are random and silly.  Things people don't pay that much attention to in their everyday lives.  They are small things we take for granted.  I don't miss them constantly, but there are times when strong longings for these Americanisms seep back in and I realize just how good America has been to me.

Here are the American things I am currently missing:

• David Ramirez concerts (live music in general)
• Bikram yoga
• Bookstores
• Coffee shops (decaf coffee with soy milk)
• Handsoap
• Hermann Park
• American pop music
• Outings with my sister

So there's that.  Short, sweet, and to the point.  Blogs however will be slowing down for a couple weeks though because crunch time has begun and marking and my red pen are officially my besties in Namibia.  However, if you have questions or want to know more about Namibia, any thing I have said, etc., feel free to ask and I will write up a little questionnaire blog :)

Take me Back to Swakop

Our four day weekend has come and gone, and although I am so sad that we are leaving the beautiful city of Swakopmund, I know that means that I am one step closer to my month long break and seeing my parents.

As for the weekend, these four days were filled with adventure, crazy Africanisms (yes, that’s a new word), and cold weather.  On Thursday, I hiked to Oshakati to meet up with 6 of the other volunteers.  From there, we quickly grabbed food and went to our hike point.  While there, we loaded into a kombi with about 20 other people and patiently (we tried) waited to get on the road.  However, we didn’t leave Kati until around 18h30, and our drive was supposed to take around 10 hours.  While we drove though, some of us were able to sleep, others read, and all of us were forced to listen to PDK on repeat at a very, very high volume.  I’m talking I’m at a club and need my music loud to dance volume.  Looking back now, it’s hilarious, but at the time, oh my gosh we weren’t so appreciative of the driver’s music.

Our Swakop adventure officially began at 4:30am when we set foot on the service station ground.  My first opinion…”Where am I?  This can’t be Africa!  Wow, I love the architecture and the smell of the ocean.”  After arriving, we got into two taxis and headed to our hostel, which was another adventure in the making since neither of the drivers knew where they were going and one had his wife in the car who was about to deliver her baby.

On Friday morning, we woke around 9am and got ready for our day.  It was glorious and filled with a hot shower I long for weekly.  We then spent time walking along the beach and in town.  The makeup of this city has a German vibe and the architecture is beautiful.  On top of all of that, the weather was cool and for the first time in months, none of us were sweating.  On this day, we went to the a Namibian museum, ate seafood (yummy), celebrated Emily’s 23^rd birthday, and rested in the most amazing beds.

The next day, Saturday, switched up the game plan and showed us some of the downfalls of living so close to the coast.  Waking pretty early, we headed to Walvis Bay for a boat tour (seal and dolphin spotting).  The weather was overcast and starting to drizzle.  As we arrived at Walvis Bay, late again because the taxis drivers were confused, the rain started to fall.  Rain or shine though, our boat was going out and going out we did.  The seven of us piled into the boat with other tourists from Germany, South Africa, and other countries.  Our tour guide informed us that we should hopefully see many animals, but nothing is ever promised.  Shortly after though, a seal jumped onto the stairs of our boat and wiggled his way on.  The driver had fish so he stayed for a bit, giving all of us a change to pet him, take pictures of him, and get a good look at a seal up close.  It was so awesome and definitely the highlight of the day, which made the rain a little more bearable.

The rest of the boat tour however, resulted in 7 American girls freezing their butts off in the rain.  We were soaked from head to toe by the ocean spray and the rainfall, making it difficult to take pictures and enjoy the beauty around us.  After awhile, I think the boat driver saw this in all of the passengers because he made the decision to turn around, go back to shore, and eat snacks.  Meatballs, chicken, and oysters!  My heart was much happier and warmer with this news.  The rest of the day was spent walking around, eating food, seeing a movie (American times!), and being wet and cold.  It was tremendous!

The last day to explore was Sunday, the most adventurous day by far.  The group of us headed out to the sand dunes to go sand boarding and sand sledding.  IT WAS remarkable!  I went sand sledding and was able to go down about 6 different dunes.  My fastest speed was 68 k, which is pretty fast!  The view out there was breathtaking and all you could see was miles and miles of rolling golden sand.  Breathtaking!  Our day ended with more walking, exploring, and food.  We walked past the houses, which are gorgeous.  Each one is unique and different from the next.  Nobody has the same house, not even close.  The last part of the night included grilled calamari and chips (fries).  A delicious way to end my west coast adventures.

When Monday came (the day I started writing this blog), we drove home.  A 10-hour drive turned into 11.  Luckily, it seemed to go by quickly and our driver played his music at a reasonable level.  Also, we saw a giraffe on the side of the road!  Stuff like that reminds me how lucky I am to live in this country and on this continent.

Well this entry is forever long.  If you made it all the way through, go you!  You deserve a gold star J