I would not describe myself as weak, ever. I have never quit anything in my life, but I am so very close to doing just that. I have been challenged by so much in the past. I have undergone brain surgery, been forced to give up more than half of the foods I eat regularly, and I have survived endless hours of twisting and turning my body in ways that physically should not be allowed. But this, this African life that I chose, this Namibian adventure that I was so sure that God called me to, I do not feel I can do anymore. I have been stripped down, I feel raw, and for once I feel severely weak, as if I made the wrong decision to move. I am upset and feel used more than I am enjoying my stay, and because of that, I am wondering if a whole year of living like this is worth it. It would be easy for me to pack my bags and head home after my parents' trip. I could say goodbye and go home to start a new chapter, but the problem is, it's never that easy to make the decision to actually go. As I said, I am awful at quitting things, but is my unhappiness here worth it?
Overall, I am frustrated and irritated. I do not like that I never know what is going on. I do not enjoy people talking about me, but not realizing that my name is clearly translatable. I miss my privacy and the ability to have control of my life. And lastly, I wish people would have explained things to me from the very start instead of making me feel small and stupid this late in the game. I am unsure what to do, unsure where I should go from here. I am afraid to disappoint myself, the people back home, the people here, and most importantly God.
God loves you no matter what-you are His child! I am pretty sure disappointment is the exact opposite of God's feelings for you!
ReplyDeleteTaylor, as I read your blog I couldn't help but think of David and the Psalms he wrote pouring his heart out to God and seeking his mercy and love but he also shared his heartache troubles and fears. Psalms 31 is an example of David as he faced some of the same things you are facing. He asked God for guidance just as you are and he received answers to his prayers. I believe God will give you a clear answer as you seek his will for you in this situation. I know he is proud of you following his lead to go to Namibia and I know he will give you direction for when it is time for you to end the journey, whether it is early or to enduring the year of trials that you are facing. I do know he will never leave you or forsake you. So trust in him. This is Emily's Mom.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to read of your pain and struggles. I doubt anyone would be dissappointed least of all God. Only he and you know whats best for you.
ReplyDeleteYou could NEVER disappoint any of those who truly love you Sweetheart!! We are all SOOO proud of you! Unfortunately, it sounds more and more like those "in charge" were not forthright in their information and promises to you. I am so incredibly grateful that your parents will be there in a few days and assist with the decision making. Lean on your parents...they are your covering here on Earth at this time. I am reminded of Job in the Old Testament. The Lord allowed him to be tested and tried. He remained faithful but had his moments, too! Youe obediance may have been what God had in store for this journey and you most certainly obeyed!! Toi obey is better than to sacrifice and you have done BOTH! Question not your ability or your commitment or you faith.
ReplyDeleteI am feel sure God is saying "Well done, MY daughter...MY good and faithful servant!"
You remain dfenched in prayer from all over the world. We are trusting God to speak to you and your parents for what the next step is.
Hebrews 10:35-36...Cast not away therefore your confidence which hath great recompence of reward. For you have need of patience that after you have done the Will of God you will receive the promise.
Jeremiah 29:11-14
Proverbs 3:5-7
Philippians 4:13, 19